patrick.net

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/i-dont-love-my-husband-an_b_8846602.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Article excerpt:

My husband and I have been married 7 years, together 12, one 5 year old daughter. He's a hard worker and does really well, I gave up my job to stay at home (which I think was a bad idea in my case). I know empirically that he is a good, kind, decent man and he loves me. But knowing that doesn't help me manage my feelings of resentment and repulsion (revulsion? It amounts to about the same). Anyone on the outside would think I'm utterly crazy to even consider ever leaving this marriage (which I'm not in a position to do anyway), but I can't help feeling like I just don't love him anymore. Respect? Sure. Even admire as a person. But love? Meh.

Every little thing annoys me. I probably started falling out of love when we had a baby. He wanted kids way more than me, but then he wasn't around nearly as much as I wanted and I got really frustrated. Things have gotten better as she got older but not as much as I would like. Since I'm home, he's a total slob, which drives me CRAZY. It's death by 1000 cuts. The sex is not good, as he has had some, ahem, performance issues lately and so it doesn't last very long. He knows I'm unhappy but I doubt he knows how much. He's always grabbing at me, which I know is just him expressing affection, but I find really irritating, especially when I'm in the middle of a chore.

I'm attracted to other men but I realize if I were to be with someone else, in the long run it'd probably be the same or worse. If money wasn't an object, and my kid was a little older, I think I would consider divorce. Or maybe it could get better as she gets a little less dependent. I just don't know how long I can live in these circumstances feeling as I feel.

Rin says

MMR, do you have anything to add here

I have a cousin who is getting married in April who wants people to donate to at Jude's children research hospital. They seem to be low overhead but as most big charities go, there is still lack of transparency. This appears to be some new fashion statement, and rather brainless.

I agree that people like to be "part of the action" but if they don't bother to see how the money is going to be spent, then they are usually vapid morons.

These are some sites about good vs bad charities based on various, somewhat overlapping criteria but there appears to be a lack of overlap in the charities listed.

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2014/12/best-and-worst-charities-for-your-money/index.htm

https://www.charitywatch.org/top-rated-charities

http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?FromRec=661&bay=search.results&overallrtg=4

Rin says

America, ppl like their fairy tales. When ppl donate to a cause, they don't want to be burdened with the truth that in reality, they're paying for the overhead of an organization.

That and maybe a tax write-off. It also helps them to, in many instances, absolve their guilt about having a lot of money, especially if it is something they are born into.

I had to take a marriage course in grad program, and it was conducted by a husband wife team of marriage counselors. It was one of the funniest classes I ever took.

The marriage counselors were the Abbot and Costello of contradictory folly. The course involved a lot of standard stuff like mirroring, purpose of therapy, role playing etc. However, the two of them would often put out the standard psychology pap ideals about love, caring, devotion and mutual respect. Then the man would say something the woman didn't like, and she would glare at him and then just light into him. She debagged him this way about three times during each class session leaving him cowering.

They once rattled on about how married people should be completely truthful and honest with each other and how essential this was to a blissful and caring relationship. The poor whipped male counselor, besotted in a trance of his own bullshit, told her something personal in front of the class that left her absolutely livid and accusatory and she lit into him double time.

Basically, they took every soap opera line that they preached, and then illustrated that it was completely bogus by their actual behavior in front of the class, usually with the female counselor attacking and arguing or dressing down the male counselor. He would often fight back, but usually from a pretty cowed stance. This was not intentional, it just showed that what is preached, even passed off as therapy, isn't what is practiced.

I wound up feeling sorry for them promulgating these stock psychology party lines about relationships when they couldn't even recognize the reality of their own behaviour.

We, the students, would go to lunch and laugh about it all for another hour.

turtledove says

Total Estimated Cost: $120,820 give or take depending on experience of surrogate, as well as the donor.

Heck, just take a paintball gun full of your sperm to the ghetto, ask them to spread on the curb, and fire. Tell them they can keep the welfare check if they allow as much visitation as you can stand.

Ceffer, thank you for sharing that memory.
It's hilarious in the "you can't make this stuff up" category.

Rin says

I'm stuck working weekends

WTF, I have to now attend two Christmas gatherings on the 25th!

For one of them, I have a platonic female friend as a companion but now, for the second one, I need to pay a companionship escort service, $300/hr for short notice and the fact that it's a holiday. And what's pathetic about it is that there's no boinking involved as it's legit and of course, in America. If this were Australia, I could have killed two birds with one stone.

All I wanted for Christmas was to sleep for the entire 25th of December and I can't even have that.

Seriously, I'm going to take a sick day in Jan, fly (not drive to Montreal), bang like crazy and then, fly into work the following morning.

Rin says

need to pay a companionship escort service, $300/hr for short notice and the fact that it's a holiday.

It's just the cost of doing business. Fortunately for you, you've found a cheaper way of getting your arm candy than most of your colleagues. Now stop whining about everything you don't like, and go make some more money to give away to charity. You need to do more if you want people to love you.

When a woman has a child, she falls in love.
With the child.
Way more than she ever did or will with you.
Don't be jealous.
Love the child and try to tolerate her.
That really all you can do.

Quigley says

When a woman has a child, she falls in love.

With the child.

She falls in love with the child, which is the new herself.

lostand confused says

Is it as high if you outsource it? I think India has a whole village where all the women serve as surrogates for a fraction of the fee.

of course if you are a woman, I think it is much cheaper. The 3 people I know are all women who decided to go this route. One was a IHL-a real one! But the other 2 were just your average straight women in decent jobs, nothing great in term of jobs. Just reached 40+ and realized it was now or never.

People certainly do try to do it in other countries to save money. But you have to be careful. The laws can be very unsupportive of both the intended parents and the surrogate. For example, there was a Chinese couple that decided to engage an Indian surrogate. The Chinese couple got divorced. India wouldn't let the baby out of the country. The extremely poor surrogate ended up stuck with the baby... that wasn't genetically hers.

However that whole mess ended up, these kinds of things just don't happen here. California is considered one of the friendliest places in the world for surrogacy. People come from everywhere to do it here because our laws protect both the intended parents as well as the donors and surrogates. Oregon is pretty good, too. No one gets their babies taken away... and no one gets stuck raising other people's children. AND, no one has to hide and lie about what they are doing.

Example of yet another woman that did not fulfill her part of the bargain: Justine Musk was at some point garnering sympathy by submitting stories to the press. Read the story in Marie Claire magazine, read between the lines, and see if you can muster sympathy for her.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/advice/a5380/millionaire-starter-wife/

Justine cannot decide whether she was a starter wife or a trophy wife, apparently, as she says both. And she is whining about how the man she married continued to be the man she married. And that he once said something supportive about her becoming a writer, but didn't do it again. Justine was a college graduate (big deal), a sometime ESL teacher and bartender that married a rich guy, and all she got was a $6M mansion in bel-air. Poor Justine. No mention of the child support and other cash prices

Here is something Elon Musk had to say about the case.

http://www.businessinsider.com/correcting-the-record-about-my-divorce-2010-7

PS: I think my opinion of Elon Musk and his oil-wasting and money-wasting enterprises is well documented, but that is unrelated to his marriage.

turtledove,

Do people considering a surrogate get a full pregnancy and abortion history from the surrogate? Is it verifiable?

turtledove says

However that whole mess ended up, these kinds of things just don't happen here. California is considered one of the friendliest places in the world for surrogacy.

Also, the baby can run for President, even if neither biological parents are US citizens nor immigrant green card holders in the country. What a gift for a kid, he/she can be a foreigner and an American at the same time.

It sucks that my parents' ancestors had to emigrate here, for me to run for President someday, once I become rich and prostitution is legalized in this so-called free nation.

FYI (for the conspiracy folks) ... I don't care if Obama was born in Kenya. If his mom is American, he's American by ancestry. Really, I don't care about some stupid timeline statute that a woman can't pass her ancestry to her child, back in the stone ages. That's a bunch of horseshit, as far as I'm concerned.

justme says

Do people considering a surrogate get a full pregnancy and abortion history from the surrogate? Is it verifiable?

Here, we do. Absolutely! The surrogate must provide a complete medical history. She must pass a background check, home study, psychological evaluation, and medical exam. She'll be tested for a whole host of diseases. All of this is necessary before the lawyer will issue a legal clearance to proceed with treatment.

Now if you're asking if a surrogate could lie... Obviously, that's a possibility. Hopefully, those types are vetted to reduce the risk. In my experience, vetted surrogates work out just fine. It's when a person tries to find an independent surrogate on Craigslist, for example, that they get taken for a ride. For example, it is a fairly common Craigslist trick to advertise oneself as a surrogate. When you find a parent who likes you, you ask for a retainer to take your ad off while you get to know each other. Then, after a few weeks, the person disappears or comes up with something for why she cannot go through with it. Of course, she said the same thing to several intended parents, so she makes out like a bandit. You just have to be really careful. Agencies are more expensive, but you are considerably less likely to run into these kinds of problems.

Keep in mind that most people who are willing to be a commercial surrogate are going to have some instability in their histories. Let's just say that surrogates aren't typically fortune 500 CEOs. Surrogates don't tend to have a lot of education... they already have kids (almost always required for legal clearance)... Some are in a difficult spot and surrogacy is the only way they can earn the kind of money they need. Let's face it... Many are doing it for the money. I have one woman who is super sweet, fairly intelligent, and dependable. She was married to a guy and had three children who are now between the ages of 1 and 6. Long story, short, the father died in a car wreck. She's attracted to surrogacy because it will provide her with an income and enable her to still take care of her kids.

turtledove says

Here, we do. Absolutely!

Thanks. I think it is rather difficult to know whether one can really get truthful answers about these things, though.

Ceffer says

I had a female client who did surrogacy five times. She had no problems with it, because the children were not genetically related. She had a couple of her own as well.

She didn't look look like a woman with that many live births. I guess she was just an enthusiastic and bullet proof birthing machine. Very cute, strong, no excess flab and in good physical condition. Yep, for her it was financial, to support a much older husband and her family.

Impressive.

Love is amazing, it's a greatest gift god and mother nature gave us.

As in the intro to 'Grease' ...

www.youtube.com/embed/3ipBWm_bKCQ

Until she then discovers that he's just a douchebag.

And then, she changes into a controlling vapid b*tch to control him.

www.youtube.com/embed/7oKPYe53h78

BTW, I'd banged an Olivia Newton John look-a-like whore in Australia. Yes, she knows that she's a 'Liv doppelganger, so she played up the fantasy and whispered 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' to me.

www.youtube.com/embed/tzmggUAqePY

And then ppl tell me that money doesn't buy happiness.

justme says

I think it is rather difficult to know whether one can really get truthful answers about these things, though.

While we're on the topic, you have to watch out for some agencies, too. Agencies can be all over the map. Some are great, run by honest people. Others will steal from your trust account and leave the country; leaving you without your deposit and the surrogate with no monthly stipen and a lapsed health insurance policy. I don't know where you are located, but if you're in So. Cal., I'd be happy to give you a list of reputable agencies. If you are looking in No. Cal, I will just need to talk to some people down here, first to get you some No. Cal. agency names.