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Someone at my Client's office smells like ass, what should I do?!
invite response
2013 Jul 24, 2:40am 35,629 views 56 comments
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Automan Empire
2013 Jul 24, 12:45pm
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
can of hair spray and the lighter
Lysol in an aerosol can has plenty of alcohol and makes a nice yellow flame with a good after-smell.
New Renter
2013 Jul 24, 12:51pm
1) pull the fire alarm
2) break out fire hose
3) as guy runs by give him a bath!
When asked claim you panicked and thought you saw a fire.
Chances are anyone who would say something won't out of appreciation. You might even get applause.
Who knows it might get you laid!
Hello,
He may have a ileostomy or colostomy bag, the 1st stinks the worst I'm a nurse an liquid stool stinks since it is undigested.
Very poor hygiene is bad and someone else can tell him, pay a homeless guy 20.00 to tell him he stinks so bad !
Tell the owner too, Off the record behind his back like women always back stab each other.
Best of luck, many grossness in the country but it's not for you to inhale. You have a right to clean air.
Annna
Dan8267
2013 Jul 24, 1:31pm
Someone at my Client's office smells like ass, what should I do?!
Hey! I've been working very hard covering your slack. So excuse me!
Dan8267
2013 Jul 24, 1:35pm
Someone at my Client's office smells like ass, what should I do?!
What, I go to the Blue Oyster once and you're complaining already?
Goran_K
2013 Jul 25, 2:22am
Someone at my Client's office smells like ass, what should I do?!
Hey! I've been working very hard covering your slack. So excuse me!
Hopefully your ass was wiped today. I'm bringing my Vic's vapo rub just in case.
elliemae
2013 Jul 25, 2:58am
He may have a ileostomy or colostomy bag, the 1st stinks the worst I'm a nurse an liquid stool stinks since it is undigested.
if properly cared for, no one knows when a person has this condition.
No good can come from trying to confront someone about their odor. Bring something like a plug-in air freshener and tell them that you are having an allergic reaction to something in the condo. hope for the best.
zzyzzx
2013 Jul 25, 4:35am
Shit on his face. At least then you will know 100% for sure that the smell is coming from him, instead of, for example, a dog that might be in the house. Actually dog crap in the carpet was the first thing that came to mind when I read your story.
Tenpoundbass
2013 Jul 25, 4:38am
Bring some malodorous food items into work, and just wait for him to comment on the stench.
Then the ice will be broken.
turtledove
2013 Jul 25, 5:17am
When there are a couple of people in the room, say "I don't mean to offend anyone, but someone smells." Smell yourself to demonstrate that you might even suspect it's you... then say "the smell is everywhere, I can't pinpoint it, but it's definitely a people smell."
If the guy asks you if it's him, repeat "the smell is everywhere... I can't tell."
It's diplomatic, but gets it out there that someone needs a shower. Unless the guy is completely obtuse, he will probably take a shower to make sure that it isn't him (as will everyone else in the room).
Goran_K
2013 Jul 25, 5:18am
Shit on his face. At least then you will know 100% for sure that the smell is coming from him, instead of, for example, a dog that might be in the house. Actually dog crap in the carpet was the first thing that came to mind when I read your story.
You know I thought that too. But I smelled it outside too when he was around. Less intense but still very ass-like.
Tenpoundbass
2013 Jul 25, 5:37am
I would just get a new job.
Interviewer: "So why did you leave your last job?"
you: "It was shitty job."
Odd that goran contemplated snitching out a friend to his wife, that he is hopping from city to city, the globe over, tapping hot pieces of ass left and right. Yet can't muster the courage to mention to some stranger that he stinks
How about less man ass and more hot pieces of ass.
I mean, what do you do when you're railing your old lady from behind for awhile real hard, and you catch the inevitable smell of butt wafting up from all the pounding?
zzyzzx
2013 Jul 25, 12:06pm
Shit on his face. At least then you will know 100% for sure that the smell is coming from him, instead of, for example, a dog that might be in the house. Actually dog crap in the carpet was the first thing that came to mind when I read your story.
You know I thought that too. But I smelled it outside too when he was around. Less intense but still very ass-like.
You can still blame it on a dog, even if you already know that there isn't one in the house. Sniff sniff ... did somebody let a dog in here?
I'm sure they all know he stinks and that's why he's up in that room by himself. And then they stuck you in there with him.
Maybe they think you're the kind of guy that likes that smell...
New Renter
2013 Jul 25, 1:25pm
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
1) pull the fire alarm
2) break out fire hose
3) as guy runs by give him a bath!
Subtle. You have a real grasp of the nuances of inter-personal relations.
Thanks, its a talent I've been honing over my career.
Another idea for Goran - leave an anonymous note. Sure the guy might start bitching about hostile workplace but if the note can't be traced to you you're problem goes away.
All too subtle. Go to the office dressed like this. The beak is a nosegay, filled with herbs and the like to purify the air. The long wand was used to take the pulse of patients with the plague, but I'm sure you could use it for one finger typing. Hey, get one for each hand, and you could be a two finger typist , just like the pro's.
New Renter
2013 Jul 26, 12:50am
All too subtle. Go to the office dressed like this. The beak is a nosegay, filled with herbs and the like to purify the air. The long wand was used to take the pulse of patients with the plague, but I'm sure you could use it for one finger typing. Hey, get one for each hand, and you could be a two finger typist , just like the pro's.
Link no workey.I think you mean this?
If so the offender might mistake you for one of these guys:
Or one of these:
Still an excellent suggestion though, just make sure the costume is identifiable.
New Renter
2013 Jul 27, 1:45am
temporarily change your diet to include high volumes of these items:
beans
broccoli
cabbage
cauliflower
artichokes
raisins
pulses
lentils
onions
prunes
apples
Brussels sprouts
In addition have a Limburger, onion and tuna sandwich for lunch until Stinky takes offense. That gives you the perfect opening to...
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
Stand on your desk and scream at him: ASSHOLE STOP SHITTING YOURSELF!
New Renter
2013 Jul 27, 1:57am
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
Or to take a shit on his desk and howl, "FAT FUCK! YOU STINKING PIECE OF STEAM SHIT, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT! STOP SHITTING YOURSELF!, FAT FUCK!!!"
Anonymously leave a gift wrapped box of scented diaper wipes on Stinky's desk along with a stack of notes, upon which is written one of AF's helpful hygiene hints.
NDrLoR
2013 Jul 27, 3:58am
Maybe he had a bad experience at the Blue Oyster, and he walks around with a load in his pants as an all purpose deterrent.
A friend of mine who works at UT/SW Medical School with mainly gay clients and tests people for HIV told me about a medical condition that once was called Gay Bowel Syndrome, but the term was considered derogatory by gay people so it's no longer used. He said, however, that it is unfortunately accurate and that people who have done a certain sexual act for a long time develop a tendency to leak. Nuf sed! Might need Depends!
RWSGFY
2013 Jul 27, 4:03am
A friend of mine who works at UT/SW Medical School with mainly gay clients and tests people for HIV told me about a medical condition that once was called Gay Bowel Syndrome, but the term was considered derogatory by gay people so it's no longer used. He said, however, that it is unfortunately accurate and that people who have done a certain sexual act for a long time develop a tendency to leak. Nuf sed! Might need Depends!
Hate speech!
Shaman
2013 Jul 27, 8:16am
Further evidence that anal sex is unnatural! (And yes I'm including nailing your old lady in the pooper, that shit is gross!)
A friend of mine who works at UT/SW Medical School with mainly gay clients and tests people for HIV told me about a medical condition that once was called Gay Bowel Syndrome, but the term was considered derogatory by gay people so it's no longer used. He said, however, that it is unfortunately accurate and that people who have done a certain sexual act for a long time develop a tendency to leak. Nuf sed! Might need Depends!
Hate speech!
woppa
2013 Jul 27, 8:23am
I doubt regular old anal sex would make you leak. The human body is quite resillient. Anal fisting on the other hand...
curious2
2013 Jul 27, 8:26am
The human body is quite resilient.
Quigley seems to have misinterpreted the original oblique reference to "a certain sexual act," and jumped to an incorrect conclusion that it meant a rather common sexual act. Even dogs and wild animals can be seen doing the same thing, so I hope Quigley will try to explain to them all that they are behaving in what he considers an "unnatural" way; get really close to the wolves so they can bite your face offhear you. If such common behavior caused those symptoms, whole neighborhoods would smell that way. They don't, so the reference must be to something rare. The reference was from a Dallas medical school, so the observations were based on people who've had to seek medical treatment at a medical school in Dallas (of all places) and not a representative sample of any larger population.
Which raises the question, for the sake of science and PatNet, has Goran considered asking the guy what he gets into? It would be a novel way to bring up the subject of the smell.
NDrLoR
2013 Jul 27, 1:08pm
Quigley seems to have misinterpreted the original oblique reference to "a certain sexual act," and jumped to an incorrect conclusion that it meant a rather common sexual act.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out, butt, well, here goes:
Yes, that's exactly what I was referring to. He explained that the anal sphincter is not designed for receiving foreign bodies, but for expelling things from the inside. Is that graphic enough? People who repeatedly indulge in this practice cause the sphincter over time to loose its "grip" so to speak which results in the nasty leakage and soilage of garments. There is also a great risk of anal cancer from this practice if indulged with different partners. Colorectal cancer is completely separate and can occur in anyone spontaneously as other cancers do. However, anal cancer occurs almost always as a result of exposure to the human papillomavirus (HPV) as are penile/rectal/cervical cancers.
"Receptive anal intercourse, whether male or female, increases the chances of anal cancer sevenfold due to Human papillomavirus. Those who engage in anal intercourse with multiple partners are 17 times more likely to develop anal cancer than those who don't, if their insertive partners are infected with the HPV virus."
Our friends in the sexually liberated meccas of Sweden and Denmark also have their dirty little secrets that are probably not generally broadcast:
"Examination of squamous cell carcinoma tumor tissues from patients in Denmark and Sweden showed a high proportion of anal cancers to be positive for the types of HPV that are also associated with high risk of cervical cancer"
Y
2013 Jul 27, 1:17pm
This kills the smell, but it does not change the fact you are inhaling someone's AssAir. Atomized shit particles are making their way into your airducts, sticking to your tonsils on the way in.
The only real solution is to wear one of those 'cold masks' that the old japanese women wear when they are sick. Get the kind with the built in charcoal filter and poof! No smell, no AssAir particles contaminating your windpipes...
You can try to suck on a couple of zinc (or menthol) lozenges - like the ones that are shortening colds. The side effect for zinc is usually a temp. loss of sense of smell and while the FDA is "worried" that it can be permanent in extreme cases if the dose is too high the dosage in those lozenges is low and I only experienced it temporarily.
curious2
2013 Jul 27, 3:13pm
I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out, butt, well, here goes:
Interesting spelling, but your explanation seems rather, umm, sloppy. Risk factors for fecal incontinence include anal cancer surgery, but not sex by itself. The major causes of anal cancer are HPV (90%) and smoking (70%). BTW, smoking is a major risk factor for colorectal cancer too. Those correlations alone should tell you that sex does not, by itself, cause the cancer; if it did, then the cancer wouldn't be so heavily concentrated among smokers with HPV. Outside of Texas, nobody would believe the proffered "design" explanation when the numbers are contrary, but Texas is its own special place where Governor Perry might make "intelligent design" part of the state med school curriculum if it isn't already, which it is at Baylor in Waco. Happy Jesus Day, y'all!
Nuke the place from orbit.
It's the only way to be sure.
It's time. I'm amazed this thread has continued so long. Why pay hundreds of billions of dollars a year in "defense" if we can't at least call in a drone strike to end this thing? If stinky isn't ashes by Tuesday, the terrorists have won.
New Renter
2013 Jul 29, 1:59am
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
The Stench Artist may have been having sex with a dog and shoved it up there and it died and it is hanging out half decayed and he is too fat to pull it out.
He may appreciate a co-worker offering to kindly yank out the dead animal from his asshole.
Ask and see how delighted he is to receive the offer.
About as delighted as Goran will be if the allocation turned out to be true and Stinky accepts the kind offer.
Goran do you by chance have a military surplus NBC suit? You may need it!
New Renter
2013 Jul 29, 2:29am
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
Goran do you by chance have a military surplus NBC suit? You may need it!
If he does have one, he can just wear it to the office every day and not worry about the emanations from the Stench Artist.
Goran:
Get an NBC suit and mask!
http://www.keepshooting.com/german-military-nbc-suit.html
http://www.keepshooting.com/israeli-gas-masks.html
For about $60 you problems are solved!
New Renter
2013 Jul 29, 3:20am
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
The masks really add drama. I think I will get one of these just to walk around in.
It's the perfect accessory to cope with the stench of cannibal anarchy!
New Renter
2013 Jul 29, 1:16pm
APOCALYPSEFUCK is Shostakovich says
It's the perfect accessory to cope with the stench of cannibal anarchy!
Actually, that is absolutely true and the perfect copy to have with an advertisement for PatNet-branded gas masks.
Do they come in children's sizes?
Goran_K
2013 Jul 30, 11:50am
So after using Vic's vapo rub and getting mixed effectiveness. I decided to have a chat with the smoke-break group. The smoke-break group is comprised of 3 guys.
Guy 1 is a 60 year old man who has worked in the energy industry for over 25 years. He takes 5 hour energy shots to get through the day, and probably smokes a pack as well. People say his cigarettes "taste weird" when they bum one off him. He's freakishly tall, maybe 6'7? His voice is abnormally low as well.
Guy 2 is your typical Indian software guy. He smokes almost as much as guy 1. He has weird ticks and when I ride shotgun in his car, he scares the crap out of me.
Guy 3 is the coolest of the bunch. Young 20-something guy. Laid back, and makes fun of the other two guys behind their backs, but not viciously IMO.
We're out on the patio chatting, and I just lay it out.
Me: Does anyone else think the loft smells like shit?
Guy 3: yeah that's probably Amir you're smelling. Guy always smells like shit.
Guy 1: I don't associate with the guy much, never noticed.
Guy 2: dude. I drove to the bar a few weeks ago and he rode with me. My car smelled like ass for 3 days.
Me: why doesn't anyone confront him about it?
Guy 3: cause man, he got the job because he's related to Mike's wife. (Mike is one of the co-founders).
Me: No shit. So that guy could pretty much never wipe his ass and never get fired for it?
Guy 3: Pretty much...
So the answer is, everyone pretty much knew he smelled like ass, and most crucial, he probably can't get fired for it since he is connected.
So I'm screwed with having to put up with ass smell as long as I'm working with this client.
Bubbabeefcake
2013 Jul 30, 12:56pm
The reason he smells like ass is that his body is completely clogged up with toxins,
it's difficult though to suggest that someone give themselves a detox or body cleanse, eventually some autoimmune disease will subdue him and he'll have to go away
http://thepigandthefig.com/2013/05/13/kale-pineapple-detox-juice/
« First « Previous Comments 18 - 56 of 56 Search these comments
Started working with a new client at the beginning of July based in Newport Beach. They're a startup in the energy field, and I'm working with them as a consultant "business development" specialist, aka I am helping this company get in shape for a potential Series A funding round. A lot of work to be done, so I am at their office 1-2 times a week which isn't a bad drive up the PCH.
So my first day there, I walk into their "office" which is basically a two story condo with a huge loft upstairs with 3 computer workstations, and a bedroom that doubles as a storage room. Downstairs is a living room, dining room, kitchen combo, but setup more like a traditional office. One of the downstairs bedrooms is HR. So these guys are real boot strappers.
The owner says I can occupy one of the workstations upstairs, so I lug my laptop up there and sit down at one of the desk. It looked empty, and it was the only one where the chair was still pushed in, so I figured I could take it. I unpack my stuff and look around for someone who knows the wifi password. There's a guy on the phone standing up looking over the edge of the loft.
He's a pretty heavily built guy, pony tail, etc. I figure he is their IT guy, seems to fit the bill. He gets off the phone and sits down at the desk directly behind me. I tap his shoulder and ask "Hi I'm Goran, I'm the business consultant, I sort of need help getting onto the network."
He's a nice guy, shakes my hand. Ends up he is the lead IT guy (my spider sense is 100% accurate). He sets up my laptop, and I'm connected to the network. As I'm opening up my Gmail account, I begin to notice that there is an invasive odor coming into my nostrils. I take a whiff, and it definitely is someone's unwashed ass. You know the smell like when you go camping, and you haven't had a decent shower in 2-3 days, and no matter how much toilet paper you use, the smell is still there? It was THAT smell.
So I look around, and the only people in the loft are me, and the big IT guy. So just to make sure I'm not going crazy, I ask him "Hey you smell that?"
IT Guy: "Smell what?"
Me: "Smells like someone forgot to wipe hahaha..."
IT Guy: "Oh hahaha. Well you know this place hasn't had a decent vacuuming in a while. They should change the carpet, the building is old too."
Me: "Oh that's probably it. haha, sorry to bother you, it's just really strong."
IT Guy: "Oh I probably got used to it."
We both turn back around to get to work after a little more small chat. The thing is, I can't concentrate. The smell is so strong that I'm on the verge of gagging. I can feel the reflex coming. It would be okay if the smell disappeared after a while, but it was constant, and permeating. Nothing I did, cover my nose, or sit with my coffee next to my nose, nothing stopped it. It just ended up smelling like ass-coffee.
I finally had enough. I told the IT Guy I was going to work outside to get some sea breeze, and he nodded without looking back. So I take my laptop and go downstairs onto their patio. The sun is blinding, and I can barely see my screen so I put on my shades. This is how I literally work for 5 hours straight.
Eventually, the IT Guy comes to the patio and ask me if I need help setting up my company e-mail, I say "Sure." So he stands next to me, and starts tapping away and accessing my Outlook. Then it hits my nose again. Mind you we are now outside, and there is a breeze. That doesn't stop the ass smell, and I'm again fighting the gag reflex. When it's done, my face is literally red from trying to hold my breath and take only small sips of air before holding it again. He takes off and I'm just in pain, literal pain from trying to hold my breath so long.
The owner seems to notice, and comes onto the patio and ask me if I'm okay. I tell him that I'm okay, but the loft upstairs is too "hot" so it's hard for me to concentrate. He looks a little confused and ask if he can turn the thermostat down more, and says it's already at 68 degrees. At that point, I'm not sure what to say; he's right, it's not hot up there, it's actually a little chilly, enough that I can wear my long sleeve shirt without any discomfort.
But I'm not about to say "Umm, your IT guy needs to wipe his damn ass." I just started working with this client and I'm not going to cause an incident over someone's ass smell.
So for the next few weeks, I just wing it. Some days the IT Guy is off site or somewhere else, and I end up working up in the loft. When he is in there, I work downstairs on the patio, or sometimes in my car. Occasionally there is an empty desk downstairs and I work there. So far, no one has seemed to notice that I am avoiding IT ass-smell guy, but I'm not sure how long that will last.
So I'm at a cross roads. Part of me wants to just tell the guy he has a disgusting odor coming from his body. The other part is saying "Look, this is just a client, don't make a big deal, just keep desk hopping."
What would you guys do in this situation? All honesty and humor appreciated.