patrick.net

elliemae says

simchaland says
Dear Desperate Patriot:
These days it’s perfectly acceptable to use the generic dollar-store brand to make your tin foil hat, in fact, the cheaper the foil the better it works. It’s perfectly fashionable to make a point at the top and angle it as you suggest. It will allow you to cut off signals coming from specific directions and it would be able to be adjusted. A wide rim is absolutely necessary or the Mother Ship (Didn’t you watch V?) might still be able to get signals into you.
If you’re a true patriot, you’ll divorce yourself completely from all government agencies and utilities. At least you aren’t living off the teat of the government in the form of unemployment. Good job! In fact, I’m breaking protocol by using the Internets to type to you right now. I’m placing my liberty in jeopardy just to respond to you only because these are desperate times.
Using your neighbor’s electricity is a good way to avoid the electric company but they still send signals through the wires. I suggest you rip out all of your electric wiring in your house and anything metal should go. Otherwise, the hat will be of no use to you.
Yours Truly, Simchaland…

Dear Wise Master:
I ripped the electrical wiring out of my house today as you suggested. Sure wish you would have told me that the tinfoil hat conducts electricity, and that I should have shut off the electricity at the breaker box first… I’m in the ER waiting to be seen by a doc, still smouldering and smelling slightly of burnt meat. Normally I’d be looking over my shoulder, but no one will sit near me. I’m using the interwebs, which I understand is a set of tubes, to communicate. I do think THEY’re monitoring my communications and I’m worried.
My hat was destroyed in the accident and I don’t know how to get another one. Is it okay to make the hat out of a hamburger wrapper I dug out of a dumpster? Can they find me if I do this?
Smelly-mae.

Dear Smelly,

I'm so sorry to hear about the travails and the woes that those wires caused you. Perhaps rolling around in fields of lavender will help with the smell. I'm sending you papers that I'd like you to sign. Please don't read them before signing them and ignore the title that says "I hold Simchaland free from any liability, etc..." Just sign them and send them back to me. This is a crucial step on your road to freedom, fellow patriot!

So long as those hamburger wrappers have metal in them, they'll work as a block for the signals. I wouldn't trust them to last though. There's nothing quite as good as aluminum foil or tin foil or any other metal foil for blocking the signals.

I should sign off now before THEY find me.

Yours on the run, Simchaland...

simchaland says

Please don’t read them before signing them and ignore the title that says “I hold Simchaland free from any liability, etc…” Just sign them and send them back to me. This is a crucial step on your road to freedom, fellow patriot!

I signed them and sent them back in a plain brown envelope. To throw people off the trail, I printed "Urgent Delivery - Biomedical Waste - Contact Precautions Required" and used the return address of a medical laboratory. They'll never catch on.

I do have a question about your answer - I didn't read in full the paper that I signed that said, "I hold Simchaland free from any liability, etc…” although the part about absolving myself of my worldly possessions by signing them over to you was kinda goofy (and why did it say "pay to the order of..." on the bottom copy?) The part about dancing in the moonlight with all my single female friends wearing only tinfoil hats at midnight with dueling banjos playing in the background was strangely erotic.

I don't understand why you recommend fields of lavender in which to roll when everyone knows that lavender prefers a well-drained soil that is somewhat sandy, not rich in humus, and slightly alkaline (pH factor between 6.0 and 8.0) - and I live in an area where the soil doesn't meet these requirements. I'm wondering if you ever even listen to me!
Sillymae

Dear Silly,

I finally tracked down your plain brown envelope. I had to win it back from Pamela Anderson who was protesting for PETA naked in front of the medical laboratory because she believed that they were doing animal testing. I won't tell you about the depraved things I had to do to get it back.

Don't worry about the content of the paper. You signed it, that's what's important. Now you're one step closer to complete freedom fellow Patriot! That part about dancing in the moonlight with all of your single female friends wearing only tinfoil hats at midnight with dueling banjos playing in the background was supposed to be a secret message to you that I'm sending you to infiltrate a Wiccan Coven that has attempted to infiltrate our organizations. I want you on the inside, so to speak.

I assure you that I listen to every word you say, dear Patriot! Never doubt it. Now that you have signed on you are an important instrument to bring about total liberation of America from the evil liberal network.

Yours in Christ on the Day He Died For Our Sins.... Simchaland...

simchaland says

I want you on the inside, so to speak.

Sneezed pepsi outta my nose on that one!

simchaland says

I had to win it back from Pamela Anderson who was protesting for PETA naked in front of the medical laboratory because she believed that they were doing animal testing. I won’t tell you about the depraved things I had to do to get it back.

I have porn blocked on my computer due to children... please do tell, it's the closest thing to it I'll ever get. Did it involve feathers, and is her fur the same color all over? Does silicone soften in the sunlight And how do they get animals to sit at those desks and fill in the right box with a #2 pencil (animal testing...)?

Did you have a meaningful conversation with Pamela? Does she know any words with more than one syllable? Did she cry out "Tommy" during the deed? Enquiring minds want to know.