patrick.net

https://babylonbee.com/news/the-babylon-bees-predictions-for-2024

January 3 - Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

January 4 - Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

January 6 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

January 9 - David French publishes revolutionary op-ed "The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes"

January 23 - Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

February 12 - Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb

February 23 - Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse

February 28 - The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.

March 1 - Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life

March 2 - Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate

March 3 - Trump tells DeSantis "SIKE!"

March 31 - Elon Musk fathers 73rd child

April 1 - Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border

April 15 - Nothing of note happens

April 19 - AOC posts something really dumb on X

April 20 - Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X

May 4 - Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi

May 5 - Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled

May 7 - Obama comes out as even gayer

May 8 - To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans

May 19 - Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn't been released yet

May 20 - Pfizer announces new COVID variant

June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux

June 7 - Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour

June 8 - McDonald's raises Big Mac price to $1000

July 4 - True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this

July 9 - Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner

July 31 - Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason

August 1 - After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California

August 2 - Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours

August 3 - Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa

August 22 - Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election

September 2 - Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it's a mobile game with microtransactions

September 8 - Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers

September 27 - Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that's rebellious and cool

September 30 - Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods

October 4 - 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres

November 1 - San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)

November 4 - New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins

November 5 - Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes

November 6 - Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts

November 7 - Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight

November 28 - Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household

December 1 - Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself

December 6 - Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory

December 23 - You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas

December 25 - Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color

December 26 - Your wife isn't talking to you for some reason

December 31 - Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!

https://kunstler.com/clusterfuck-nation/the-great-clarification/

I’m already liking 2024. Consequence is itching to return to the American scene. Somewhere around 2016, cause and effect got a divorce. After that, things just happened or unhappened with no further orders of effect, like some brute existence without purpose, meaning, or even awareness, except for the feeling of the lash on your back. ...

We are waking to the stupefying criminality of public life, to the immersive obvious bullshit of people in charge who don’t deserve your respect or compliance. How they got into these positions is only another feature of that totalistic criminality. What was hidden in plain sight will be revealed to those suffering mere hysterical blindness.

It was fitting that the last extravagant political act of ’23 was Maine Secretary of State Shenna Bellows chucking Mr. Trump off the ballot there because. . . she felt like it. To save our democracy, you understand. That might be the terminal absurdity of the derangement we are leaving behind, the signature for much that has gone down in this country the past three years: women on the verge of a nervous breakdown throwing the crockery of law around the room at Daddy.

All this accomplishes, of course, is to disgrace authority in general and to turn America into one big broken home, making us a population of frightened runaways clinging desperately to a few square feet of ground, alone under the freeway ramp in the rain. That is no way to live. The way to live is to make yourself useful to your fellow humans and to get paid for it, and to find some joy and meaning in that human fellowship based on fair, consensual transactions — a pretty simple formula that has been supplanted by the evil idea that life is nothing but a shakedown.

The election of 2024, whether it is actually allowed to happen or not, will probably commence the extinction of the DC blob. This entity has made itself malignantly inimical to the proper functioning of self-governing people, and everybody knows it. The blob will die of irrelevance and impotence as the “trust horizon” devolves downward and we are thrust back into the awesome task of reconstructing our local communities. There is so much to do.

I keep hearing figures in the public arena say they have a creepy feeling that something big is going to happen. Well, sure, something’s got to give. So much hyper-complexity has been heaped onto the apparatus of shakedown that just about nothing works in America anymore. The Internet is obviously a major part of that. We’ve allowed digital magic to invade every scrap of territory in our daily doings, to the degree that there is no longer enough for humans to do — but, alas, digital magic is only a pale simulacrum of real human magic. The virtual is not an adequate substitute for the authentic. Why do you think there are so many people barely alive in a haze of opiate drugs splayed on the sidewalks of San Francisco, the epicenter of Internet wealth and power?

The “something big” could well be the Web-down crisis that is nervously tweeted about. If it went on for more than couple of weeks, most everything we depend on would cease to work, from food supplies to clean water to communications to what has been lately operating as “money.” That would be a clarifying interlude for sure. Among the few things that would still work in the event of a massive attack on the Internet are human brains, human bodies, and firearms. That combo could be as much a recipe for order as for chaos. I believe in the fairly short term, most of us would opt for order. As far as I’m concerned, there’s already been enough chaos, just about every bit of it unnecessary.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. 2024 is on. It’s the time many of us have been waiting for. We’re in it. Stay alert. Make the right choices. Exercise situational awareness. Get ready to walk with consequence. It’s here, and it’s not “queer.”

UkraineIsFucked says

Misc says

Do you think for an instant that Zelensky would win an election in the Ukraine against anyone promoting peace with Russia

What elections?

Elections are explicitly prohibited by law during wartime. So not likely.

Misc says

Do you think for an instant that Zelensky would win an election in the Ukraine against anyone promoting peace with Russia???

Zelensky WAS the candidate who won in 2019 on promoting peace with the USSR against an incumbent who was running on building up native defense industry (especially ramping up missile production) and further increasing military spending. The Kremlin cunts were pleased with his victory and cheered his opponent's loss. He started de-mining along the frontlines, pulling troops back, prohibited even responding to incoming fire, stopped all indigenous missile development and instead splurged on roads, parks and such. Dreamed about hosting fucking Olympic games, believe it or not. The idiot thought that if he demilitarized and projected weak image he'll be given Dumb Ass and Crimea back. Then another weak idiot came to power in the USA and Kremling Bellend & Co. smelled blood in the water and pounced. The rest is history.

Si vis pacem para bellum is the only formula that works.

Eric Holder says

Elections are explicitly prohibited by law during wartime. So not likely.

No. The Ukrainian constitution ALLOWS for the legislature to delay elections. It does not require it

That's all.

AmericanKulak says

richwicks says

Israel will take over the West bank in time, then probably Gaza then expand into Syria. That's been the 70 year course. Who cares about what is morally right or wrong? The US and Israel nor the world at large don't, not in the slightest. They might PRETEND to, but they don't. It's all virtue signalling nonsense.

Right, Israel unilaterally withdrawing from Gaza a decade ago and the total lack of free elections there is a sign Israel is planning to take over.

They are taking over Gaza now, or attempting to. I didn't expect them to make the attempt this soon though. I expected in within a decade or so from when I made that prediction.

I will bet 100,000 Palestinians are killed in this current conflict. That's 5% of the population. More than 1% of them are dead now. I expect 1/2 the deaths will be due to starvation.

Eric Holder says

richwicks says

It won't be long before the Ukraine war is forgotten, although I predict that will go on for at least 1/2 decade

What a juicy morsel for the predictions thread.

Hey @"Eric Holder" - did I win the giant teddy bear prize yet? My prediction wasn't too hard to make, it's been the same exact pattern for 20 years with the Neocunts running US foreign policy and destroying the nation as Americans are completely asleep at the wheel.

I know it's only 1 year and 10 months in, only 3 years and 2 months to go. Hardly any mention of Ukraine now in "news" - see for yourself.

https://www.nytimes.com/
https://www.foxnews.com/
https://www.cnn.com/
https://www.msnbc.com/

The US starts a war, it's all the rage in "news" for a bit, then it goes on for YEARS and people just forget there's even a war.
Happened with Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria. Our "news" didn't even bother to report on our bombing of Yemen and Somalia.

And don't think the US isn't in this war directly either. Plenty of "advisors" there, you know, mercenaries, murderers for hire that have no loyalty to the nation and kill without cause other than a paycheck. Be all you can be..

Eric Holder says

He started de-mining along the frontlines, pulling troops back, prohibited even responding to incoming fire, stopped all indigenous missile development and instead splurged on roads, parks and such. Dreamed about hosting fucking Olympic games, believe it or not. The idiot thought that if he demilitarized and projected weak image he'll be given Dumb Ass and Crimea back. Then another weak idiot came to power in the USA and Kremling Bellend & Co. smelled blood in the water and pounced. The rest is history.

original link


THAT is why there is a war between Russia and Ukraine. Zelenskyy didn't stop bombing Eastern Ukraine so finally Russia got directly involved. You can claim that Russia would have gone into Ukraine even if the Minsk Accords WERE followed, but we'll never know, because Zelenskyy kept bombing Eastern Ukraine throughout.

https://notthebee.com/article/in-2015-snl-did-this-skit-about-how-trump-would-make-america-great-again-in-just-two-years-and-actually-they-accidentally-nailed-it

Before Trump became Orange Man Bad™ and Worse than Hitler™ the mainstream lefties in New York liked him.

In 2015, before they saw him as a real threat, he was on the late-night shows and even hosted SNL ... where he participated in this skit that accidentally foretold the future.

This. Is. Amazing.

The details of the skit are perfect. There's the silly Trump stuff about swimming pools at the White House and mirrored gold plating on the Washington Monument. But then there's the stuff that actually DID happen under Trump.

Some of the jokes are now sad, considering what they took from us.

Here are some of the prophecies:

Actor: Halfway through your first term and prosperity is at an all-time high. In two years you really made America great again ...

Trump: General how are we doing in Syria?

Actor: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace, all the refugees have returned. And they have great jobs as blackjack dealers at the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus ...

Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

Actor: Never better. After your face to face meeting Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not want to be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

Trump: Well, I'm sorry. I just had to do that.

Trump: Jimmy, how's the economy?

Actor: Amazing sir! In the words of our new national anthem, it's 'YUGE!' After your tough negotiations with China, you are KILLING them on trade. They're now borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir!

Trump: Well you know what, I don't have to get specific. With me, it just works. It's just magic. It's always been that way my whole life.

LOOK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US!

LOOK AT IT!
This sketch aged amazingly. It went from funny, to Simpsons-level prophecy, to tragedy in the span of 9 years.

Actor: Mr. President, we have a problem! It's the American people, sir! They're just sick of winning! They're winning so much, it's just too great sir.

Trump: Look, I know how they feel, it's exhausting. But really, that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough. It's not that easy.

[Turns towards audience]

If you think that's how it's going to be when I'm president, you're wrong. It's going to be EVEN BETTER! I said to the writer's of this sketch, 'Keep it modest, okay? It's better to start with low expectations. That way you have nowhere to go but up!'

They were right!

The economy grew, we were beating China, Russia wasn't a problem, the Middle East was peaceful, and illegal immigration dropped to record lows.

It was, for three years, SO MUCH better than anyone imagined.

And then it was taken from us!