« prev   random   next »

4
0

Lazy Poor Person Has Never Earned Passive Income From Stock Dividends A Day In His Life

By Heraclitusstudent following x   2019 Feb 14, 11:09am 1,605 views   29 comments   watch   nsfw   quote     share    


https://local.theonion.com/lazy-poor-person-has-never-earned-passive-income-from-s-1832537497

MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country who can’t even be bothered to get up and go out and put some of their cash on hand into high dividend–yielding stocks,” said local resident Deborah Nix, who expressed frustration at the full-time cashier’s refusal to even try investing in a mutual fund or placing a substantial inheritance into an account that generates thousands of dollars a year and can then be tapped into as needed. “He probably just expects everything to be handed to him, but that’s not how it works. You have to get out there and pound the pavement until you find a reputable wealth management firm. Then, it’s just a matter of following the advice of an expert and transferring funds from one place to another. Of course, if someone like that ever did receive a dividend payout or a generous share buyback, he’d probably blow it all by the end of the week.” At press time, sources confirmed Reilly had proven his neighbor’s point by squandering his entire minimum-wage paycheck on rent, bills, and groceries.


1   HeadSet   ignore (1)   2019 Feb 14, 11:11am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (1)   quote   flag        

Pointless
2   Tenpoundbass   ignore (14)   2019 Feb 14, 11:25am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

This is why a 401K was the biggest Joke and theft from the Middle class ever perpetrated on him.
Had H. W. Bush not sabotaged our Savings and Loan Banking system in the late 80's our Social Security would be...
It would have probably been raided by now by Washington because it would have been so productive, they couldn't have resisted. But otherwise the money behind would be ten times what it is now. The average worker would have at least $3500 in the bank for a rainy day. That's instead of the 65% of people that don't even have an extra $400 for an Emergency without having to wait until payday or use a credit card.

Of course investing takes a special type of person that can read the markets and niches they are into.
No different than successful business owners in their sectors. They are successful because they know their business, the sector and the market.
That's why so many businesses fail within the first two years.

I had this neighbor that drank himself to death. He retired from a good job, moved down here, and put all of his life savings into a Mexican Bar and Grill. Not knowing anything about food, or Mexican culture or food. This was before I met him. His whole life savings pissed away before his eyes in just two short years.
He ended broke and living in an efficiency room. Then had to get a job being an errand boy for a Construction company owner who also built and started a very successful national chain fast food Sub, wings and gyro operation. Doing back deposits and payroll delivery and stuff like that. The owner eventually got gunned down. His family kept the guy on. He worked until about a few years ago when they decided to retire him.
He drank himself to death that year. Retired in January wad dead by November his liver shut down. Ugly sight.
Had he not jumped in a business he knew nothing about. He would have never had to go back to work from retirement for 15 more years, and still would have been better off financially.

It's sad when I see people jump in things because they think it will be easy, that I know they didn't put the homework and built the premise for.
3   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 14, 3:19pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Tenpoundbass says
Of course investing takes a special type of person that can read the markets and niches they are into.


It's actually not so difficult. I mean really, does one need to be savvy to buy shares of Philip Morris (Big Tobacco) or Johnson & Johnson (Big Pharma) and collect some ~4% dividend checks every year?

I mean that bar/grill in Mexico City, probably costs $100K in total including everything, which is some $4K in divs per year (from PM & JNJ) plus social security $18K-$24K or $22K-$28K which actually goes quite far south of the border.
4   Tenpoundbass   ignore (14)   2019 Feb 14, 3:44pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
I mean that bar/grill in Mexico City, probably costs $100K in total including everything,


No this was a Mexican Restaurant in Hollywood Florida. He had almost a million in retirement saved up from his first job at the state department.
5   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 14, 4:41pm   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Tenpoundbass says
He had almost a million in retirement saved up from his first job at the state department.


In other words, $40K in dividend income plus $24K from social security, totaling $64K/yr.

Seriously, his business decision making was clearly not there.
6   theoakman   ignore (0)   2019 Feb 14, 5:03pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Reputable wealth management fund. Didn't we just prove over the last decade that you can simply just buy an index? Rin said it...Phillip Morris...keep those dividends coming....I've been buying dividend stocks since I was a dirt poor grad student. I've quadrupled my money on some of them...which were very conservative investments.
7   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 14, 6:38pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

theoakman says
Rin said it...Phillip Morris...keep those dividends coming


Here's what a lot of the general public doesn't grasp ... Philip Morris is right now trading at some ~$82 per share. Each share distributes $4.56 as an annual dividend. When a stock is a 'dividend aristocrat', it tends to maintain this payout.

And thus, if one has let's say 500 shares or a $41K equity position, even if the market tanks and the stock prices goes down from $82 to let's say $50, the annual dividend is still 500 shares x $4.56 per share or $2280.

Now, in that bear market year, that $2280 purchases $2280 / $50 per share or 45.6 shares. This is called a DRIP program. Today, just about every discount broker has one. One doesn't need a full service brokerage account to take advantage of it.

Add that 45.6 to 500 and you get 545.6 which then gets you 545.6 shares x $4.56 per share or $2487.9.

Then the following year, reapply the same math and you have $2487.9 / $50 per share or 49.7 shares.

Add that 49.7 to 545.6 and you have 595.3 shares.

So in a two year bear market toilet, you've just expanded your holdings from a meager 500 shares to almost 600. That's like being able to grow a business by 20% by doing 0 work for it. Even investing in a McDonald's franchise can't compete against that.

And since no bear market lasts forever, eventually, you'll get back to $82 per share but with many more shares under your belt and a greater equity stake plus dividend payout.
8   FortWayneIndiana   ignore (4)   2019 Feb 14, 7:15pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Life is unfair, liberals don’t comprehend reality.
9   Ceffer   ignore (2)   2019 Feb 14, 10:51pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

The guy in the OP needs a gofundme for a RealDoll. Then he won't care if he is an investo-loser.
10   ThreeBays   ignore (0)   2019 Feb 15, 9:23am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
So in a two year bear market toilet, you've just expanded your holdings from a meager 500 shares to almost 600. That's like being able to grow a business by 20% by doing 0 work for it. Even investing in a McDonald's franchise can't compete against that.

And since no bear market lasts forever, eventually, you'll get back to $82 per share but with many more shares under your belt and a greater equity stake plus dividend payout.


I'm not directly familiar with this strategy, but how does it compare to just holding the market?
11   Heraclitusstudent   ignore (2)   2019 Feb 15, 9:42am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
So in a two year bear market toilet, you've just expanded your holdings from a meager 500 shares to almost 600. That's like being able to grow a business by 20% by doing 0 work for it. Even investing in a McDonald's franchise can't compete against that.

And since no bear market lasts forever, eventually, you'll get back to $82 per share but with many more shares under your belt and a greater equity stake plus dividend payout.

Unless of course, during the recession, people move to cheap Chinese knock off , the company revenues collapse, it's forced to cut its dividends, and the stocks stays in the doldrums while the growth companies resume growing in the recovery.
12   Heraclitusstudent   ignore (2)   2019 Feb 15, 9:43am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

FortWayneIndiana says
Life is unfair, liberals don’t comprehend reality.


It's a joke. Get it?
13   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 10:01am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

ThreeBays says
I'm not directly familiar with this strategy, but how does it compare to just holding the market?


The whole market, as in the S&P500, has the good, bad, and ugly all rolled into one index.

With this strategy, it's taking the 'Dividend Aristocrats' which are companies that have historically always maintained or increased their payout per share over time. And then, among those stocks, eliminate companies which have not been able to control their corporate debt in the past few years, as quantitative easing was being reduced. The idea being that if/when there's a market downturn, those debt contained equities will be able to sustain their dividend payouts which create this DRIP compounding effect where the bear market actually increases one's shares dramatically, while many of the other investors lament their cap gain losses.

There is no way to avoid a market downturn, however, knowing that bear markets tend to be 2-3 years vs a bull of 4+, it's better to be able to take advantage of the troughs than in running for the hills.
14   Iranian_Oil_Burse   ignore (5)   2019 Feb 15, 10:07am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Heraclitusstudent says
the company revenues collapse, it's forced to cut its dividends, and the stocks stays in the doldrums


Happened to GE.
15   anonymous   ignore (null)   2019 Feb 15, 10:20am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Heraclitusstudent says

It's a joke. Get it?


This is hilarious - commenters getting spun up over an article from the Onion - again. Been watching this since it was posted to see how long it would take someone to figure it out. This is way too easy now.

Nothing like responding to headlines without bothering to see where the article came from.

16   kt1652   ignore (1)   2019 Feb 15, 10:53am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
theoakman says
Rin said it...Phillip Morris...keep those dividends coming


Here's what a lot of the general public doesn't grasp ... Philip Morris is right now trading at some ~$82 per share. Each share distributes $4.56 as an annual dividend. When a stock is a 'dividend aristocrat', it tends to maintain this payout.

And thus, if one has let's say 500 shares or a $41K equity position, even if the market tanks .
----
Not so quick, the Bank of Mom&Dad will never lend the basement dweller this much capital.
"if one has let's say 500 shares or a $41K equity position"
Onion is right again.
17   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 1:12pm   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

kt1652 says
Not so quick, the Bank of Mom&Dad will never lend the basement dweller this much capital.
"if one has let's say 500 shares or a $41K equity position"
Onion is right again.


Actually, my response was towards TPB's friend who'd banked $1M but lost it in a restaurant deal, not the basement dweller for Mom&Dad Inc.
18   anonymous   ignore (null)   2019 Feb 15, 1:17pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
TPB's friend who'd banked $1M but lost it in a restaurant deal


If this is the same friend who drank himself to death - he would have done that without without losing the money but the loss may have sped things up a wee bit.

Alcoholism does not recognize financial gain or loss, social status or anything else actually - same for drugs.

Did however enjoy reading what you posted - interesting stuff
19   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 1:41pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Kakistocracy says
Rin says
TPB's friend who'd banked $1M but lost it in a restaurant deal


If this is the same friend who drank himself to death - he would have done that without without losing the money but the loss may have sped things up a wee bit.

Alcoholism does not recognize financial gain or loss, social status or anything else actually - same for drugs.

Did however enjoy reading what you posted - interesting stuff


I don't know, I think it's easier to live on $40K/yr from Philip Morris dividends (plus $25K/yr from social security) totaling $65K/yr, drink a lot in Thailand while poking the occasional bar girl, without necessarily going on a downward spiral.

The spiral effect was more likely caused by our society's judgement on this guy's lifestyle and net cultural value to society. In reality, our society sucks and has done little to sponsor the notion of an American Renaissance man but instead, props up these idiot media stars and youtube channel clowns.

Trust me, I live in Massachusetts, home of Ted Kennedy and a ton of lushes out there. Being a functional alcoholic is a part of our culture and many of us do it, without losing our careers & livelihood, provided that we at least sober up for those Tuesday morning meetings.
20   kt1652   ignore (1)   2019 Feb 15, 1:47pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin, I parodized your advice, Onion’s fictional Luke Reilly is way more common than TPB’s friend. Someone who is disciplined to save to $1M is rare and is unlikely to blow it as stated. My ex was related to a multimillionaire couple who owned 20-flat rental on Bay street SF. They still buy things on sale and live a simple lifestyle. It is habit. Like iconic late Sam Walton drove a F150 or Buffett eats breakfast at McD.


I personally would not use my $ to support companies of death, no matter how good their dividends history. There are many other alternatives.
21   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 1:58pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

kt1652 says
Buffett eats breakfast at McD


That's just plain disgusting. I mean I'm still able to eat at reasonably nice establishments around Boston w/o putting a hole in my budget.

But you're right, being frugal is the best way to hold onto one's retirement savings.
22   kt1652   ignore (1)   2019 Feb 15, 2:09pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Their sausage egg McDuffin is not bad.Coffee is worse than HomeDepot's.
I don't worry about room (running out of money), I don't have a $$$ hoe hobby.
23   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 2:36pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

kt1652 says
I don't worry about room (running out of money), I don't have a $$$ hoe hobby.


That's why I'm thinking of investing in a sex robot, prior to my retirement to Australia, after compounding my dividend earnings for another decade and half.

http://patrick.net/post/1322122/2019-02-05-rin-should-buy-a-sex-robot-to-increase-his-retirement-savings
24   kt1652   ignore (1)   2019 Feb 15, 3:09pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

hehe, I may buy one when the price comes down, you know, new tech toys always do.
25   Ceffer   ignore (2)   2019 Feb 15, 3:12pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

kt1652 says
hehe, I may buy one when the price comes down, you know, new tech toys always do.

The off the lot depreciation should be massive, after they are no longer virgins.

RealDoll bordellos should have some great end of year auctions for their tax write offs.

"Slightly scuffed, but still gives great head!"
26   Rin   ignore (3)   2019 Feb 15, 3:12pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

kt1652 says
I may buy one when the price comes down, you know, new tech toys always do.


It's about making one's cock and one's hands happy. And that's not deflationary!
27   Ceffer   ignore (2)   2019 Feb 15, 3:15pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Rin says
And that's not deflationary!

It's the economic paradox: the deflation that provokes inflation.

RealDolls will never hide your viagra from you.
28   theoakman   ignore (0)   2019 Feb 15, 4:47pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Doesn't matter if it's an onion article. It's definitely designed to make a political point. It's like the Daily Show defense. They base their entire show around political positions and if they make a crappy one and a bad joke to boot, they come back and snicker "it's comedy". The writer needed to do a better job of being funny because this one fell way short of it.
29   anonymous   ignore (null)   2019 Feb 15, 5:16pm   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

theoakman says
Doesn't matter if it's an onion article


There is a history on this forum of commenters getting spun out of control - bigly - on postings that come from the Onion, Babylon Bee and other satire sites going back well into 2014 or so.

Some people never read far enough or look at the source - they just start typing.

It's most always the same commenters as well so after 5 years you would think the learning curve would get better but alas - it doesn't.

There is a reason reading is fundamental

about   best comments   contact   one year ago   suggestions