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Person to be Born Next Year Terrified of His Non-Existence

By freak80 following x   2013 Aug 22, 6:19am 2,256 views   4 comments   watch   nsfw   quote     share    


Brian Smith, the future child of Linda and Doug Smith of Sacramento, CA, suddenly began to experience his non-existence today. "It's just horrible," he said, "and it's also dark for some reason." His experience of non-existence seems to justify the fear of death which rules the lives of so many existing humans.

Lou Adams of Flemington, NJ heard the news of Brian's non-existence this morning and said he was not at all surprised. "I can't even imagine the thought of not existing someday," said Adams. "It must be horrible!"

Adams went on to say, "I'd much rather believe I will live forever, even if it means I have to believe in bizarre and monstrous stuff like a virgin birth, a guy rising from the dead, angels, demons, and the possibility of eternal torture by a loving God after I die."

When asked to elaborate, Adams said, "Look, to me it's more comforting to believe my mortality is a righteous punishment from God than believe it's a natural biological process. I'm even willing to pay 10% of my income to hear this stuff from an authority figure every week."

When asked why he wouldn't believe in Allah, the Koran, Mohammed, or a paradise with 72 virgins after he dies, Adams replied, "That's just not rational. That doesn't make any sense."

1   curious2   ignore (0)   2013 Aug 22, 6:29am   ↑ like (2)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

If you haven't yet sent this to The Onion, you might want to :)

2   freak80   ignore (4)   2013 Aug 22, 7:11am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

curious2 says

If you haven't yet sent this to The Onion, you might want to :)

Do they accept outside submissions? :-)

3   curious2   ignore (0)   2013 Aug 22, 7:21am   ↑ like (0)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

freak80 says

Do they accept outside submissions?

oops - sorry - they don't.

4   freak80   ignore (4)   2013 Aug 22, 7:24am   ↑ like (1)   ↓ dislike (0)   quote   flag        

Oh well.

I'm still flattered that you think it was good enough for The Onion.


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