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Cat Running for Open Senate Seat in Virginia

By zzyzzx   2012 Feb 29, 3:57am   1,034 views   2 comments   watch (0)   quote

Tim Kaine and George Allen take warning: There's a new candidate for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Virginia Democrat Jim Webb, and if our experience with Internet trends is any guidance, this new arrival on the political scene could be a real scene-stealer.

A cat.

Yes, some anonymous resident of Springfield has entered their pet feline, Hank, in the contest to replace Webb this November. And whoever is behind this campaign has gone out of their way to ape the appearance of a low-budget campaign website:

But it would be unfair to dismiss a campaign because of its high technology or lack thereof. Cats can't blog. Hell, they can't even spell "cheeseburger" correctly.

But Hank's handlers insist he is no ordinary kitty. From his official campaign biography:

From the very first day, Hank has been a fighter. Born to a single mother living on the streets, Hank, his mother, and his siblings were taken to an animal shelter and sat on death row. Shortly before their execution, Hank and the rest of his family were saved by an animal rescue group called Animal Allies. Hank was adopted to a loving family, and was raised by his adopted brother Sammy.

Being from the streets and having nothing, Hank learned the value of hard work. Putting himself through school while working, Hank was simply too stubborn and driven to let his disadvantages dictate his future. After graduating with honors, Hank quickly entered the business world and brought himself up to start and run a number of successful local companies.

Still, if Hank wants to be taken seriously as a candidate for the Senate, we need to know a bit more about him. After all, he's seeking to represent a state highly dependent on federal government jobs, the military and the energy industry, and to serve a country still getting back on its feet from a crippling economic downturn. So we've got a few questions for Hank.

First, is he even constitutionally eligible? The Constitution dictates that all members of the Senate must be at least 30 years old upon being sworn in. Hank's website says he's about nine years old in human years. According to the website—yeah, really—that's between 50 and 60 in cat years, so it appears Hank meets this requirement. Let's move on to the real issues.

Does Hank support raising income taxes on the nation's wealthiest earners? Where does he stand on building wind-energy turbines off the coast of Virginia? How about the 2010 health care law? The Dodd-Frank bill? Also, given the dependence of the Northern Virginia economy on the federal government, it'd be good to know how Hank feels about planned cuts to the size of the federal workforce over the next several years.

And what about his neighbors in the District of Columbia? D.C. residents have a right to know if Hank would support District statehood or if he'd rather use us as a litter box for bad social policy. His Horatio Alger-like bio has a certain populist ring, though the focus on him being a local-business owner and being an inspiration to "millions" of "frustrated voters" is a bit Tea Party-ish.

We've left word with the Hank for Senate campaign, as has WTOP. If we hear back, it'll be good to learn where he stands on things, or at least get a couple cute cat pictures.


Comments 1-2 of 2     Last »

1   freak80     2012 Feb 29, 4:38am  ↑ like   ↓ dislike   quote    

A cat would probably do a better job than most politicians. And bribery with tuna fish is cheaper than most other forms of bribery.

2   zzyzzx   559/559 = 100% civil   2012 Feb 29, 10:17pm  ↑ like   ↓ dislike   quote    

wthrfrk80 says

A cat would probably do a better job than most politicians

Comments 1-2 of 2     Last »

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